As with all forms of sports, there are always more fans on the side lines enjoying the game vicariously than there are actual players on the field…………and the game of "Awakening" is no exception.

There is no benefit whatsoever in not enjoying life, or your participation in this incomparable, exciting activity, but you will miss out on the true heart of it, (its Super Bowl), unless you lay aside the rented binoculars and look through your own eyes, and see for yourself what this, "Enlightenment thing" is actually all about. This requires that you stop talking all the time about "being asleep" and, "waking up", and about this guru over here or that teacher over there, and above all you need to stop talking about, and thinking-about yourself. For the "self" you are presently thinking about is not you -- it is the thoughts in your brain thinking about themselves. "You" do enter into it . The talking about yourself that do is nothing but the uninvited thoughts in your mind reflecting on themselves as best they can…...which, by the way, they can’t do worth a pig fart, (which isn’t really correct in that pig farts actually exist).

All in all, if you content yourself with what books, other people, AND the thoughts in your own head say that you are, you will not be able to maintain a continuing awareness of the difference between -- talking about this thing, and -- doing it.

The original title of this writing, (credited to a Prof. Joe Cose), was:

"Never Compliment A Dead Man, or; Unidentified Flying Nevers"

Never lend money to a man on a motorcycle.

Never leave your hat with a plumber.

Never answer the door unless it says, "Please."

Never cut corners unless they cut you first.

Never tango with a surgeon named Brutus.

Never pay a child for his opinion.

Never let your guard down for a moment. Oh, okay -- but just for a moment.

Never believe in a god with a middle name.

Never let a fry cook see you naked.

Never lend your car to gypsies, or a loved one to the Argentine military.

Never enroll in, The Calamity Of The Month Club.

Never borrow from Peter to pay Paul unless Paul is with the Mafia -- or has a rocket launcher and wants the dough real bad, or unless you will never see Peter again.

Never ask for seconds at a hanging.

Never turn control of your social calendar over to someone you just met on a bus.

Never expect to, "split the difference" with an armed man.

Never admit to any governmental agency that you have any body openings.

Never believe that the, "Bell tolls for thee" -- there’s bound to be someone else with the same name as yours.

Never assume that anything labeled, "Meaningful" has any significance whatsoever.

Never comb your hair in front of a rug merchant.

Never give all of your money to someone you don’t know.

Never remove your underpants in a tornado……….. or in a Toranado for that matter.

Never volunteer to be shot.

Never return anyone’s call --- and I do mean anyone’s.

Never believe anything that was originally said, thought, or written in a foreign language.

Never take money OUT of an account -- unless it’s someone else’s account.

Never point and laugh at a military installation.

Never let yourself be unduly influenced by influences.

Never lead while dancing with The Secretary Of Bad News, or try to dip The Minister Of Sewers.

Never look up the dress of anyone named Guido.

Never believe that not going to the bathroom will cause a refund check to arrive any sooner.

Never trust your, "First impression" -- unless it’s the only one you seem to have.

Never challenge a man in a tank to, "Prove it!"

Never expect a, "Liberal trade-in policy" from a sexual surrogate.

Never tell a customs official that his children, "Smell funny".

Never ask a mass murderer for his, "Thought for the day".

Never study History at a university that has a chain saw for a school emblem..

Never visit a country that has no mailing address.

Never invite the drunken crew of an oil tanker home to, "Meet the wife".

Never -- NEVER seek a "second opinion" -- only a dunce seeks a first one.

(That was only half of Prof. Cose’s paper…….. perhaps the rest at a later time.)

The mind knowing itself --- this is the insight referred to that transcends ordinary human knowledge, for it is knowledge’s knowledge of itself . And that is what occurs when the mind realizes itself.

I repeat; it seems totally impossible that a mirror could ever somehow run round fast enough to get in front of itself and see its own reflection, (which is metaphorically what I am telling you that, "waking up" is), but I am also telling you that something damn near that very same "impossible act" IS achievable.

So -- if thoughts cannot turn and look directly at themselves, (and thus the man in whose head such a thing occurred – "Woke up!"), then what can thoughts do in regard to my described, "damn near achieving of the impossible"? --- here is what:

September 25, 2000. Monday morning in Hamburg, and the air is filled with sounds of people complaining about another work week, about each other, about their finances, about their health, about world events, about their soccer team, their car, their sex life, and I lost track after that. Two things for certain; it is another typical day on planet Earth, and I am surrounded mostly by typical members of my own species. You gotta love it! What a day! -- what a planet! -- what a species! Where else could creatures like us get by with what we are doing?! And speaking of that prodigious activity, here is my news thereabout for this most splendid, and typical terrestrial day wherein almost anything might occur -- in the minds of the especially alert and excited.

In the secondary city of ideas: If you‘re not selling -- you’re not buying.

Amidst the many disneyland dreams of weekend mystics there are many things that an awakened man is NOT -- but pretending to know that which he clearly does not is not one of them. (As always though, things-work-out-tidily, since the dilettantes would not accept this as a suitable, "mystical pay off" anyway.)

The really secret, advanced version of this adventure is one in which a man pushes way beyond just the experiences of so-called, "Enlightenment" -- and into the mostly unexplored region of investigating the question: "Exactly what IS this thing I am involved with from which such non standard states of mind arise?"

After a life time spent in trying to, "wake up", (as he still calls it), now, at quite an advanced age, one man says: "My overall state of consciousness has rather suddenly undergone a distinct change, but I am not certain if what I am experiencing is finally awakening, or Alzheimer’s."

One man had his mind, "bullet proofed" --

From amidst the pounding, chaotic waves a mysterious figure appeared and walked onto the beach where a crowd of amazed spectators gathered. He then began to speak:

"All men are in one of two distinct groups; those who live on the land, and those who live in the water.", and just then a man flying overhead shouted: "I’m not!", and the speaker looked up and added: "Except him."

Then the old man gave the son his final words for the day.

Jan.

Later that night the old man pointed out to the kid: "Hey, if you don’t sing your praises,

no one else will.", and they simultaneously shouted: "Thank god!"

One man used to, "sing to himself"………..until he remembered that he couldn’t sing……..

and that he had no self.

September 26, 2000. I write to you today from a so-called, "political hot spot", Sarajevo, a place of external physical unrest not unreflective of individual men’s internal, neural unrest. To be alive is to respond to stimuli; to be alive is to be in a perpetual state of disquiet, ranging from the subtle to the ferocious. Even when napping and laying still your internal organs, (including the brain), are always active and responding to both internal and external stimuli. You can physically move from the tumultuous Balkans, but you cannot desert your own innards -- including particularly your thoughts, (employing the possessive pronoun, "your" in a most liberal fashion.) So, as you dodge the bullets and rancor that fills the air, if you will follow me we will visit that hot spot in your own head wherein similar circumstances prevail. Luckily for us that they are incorporeal, which is a polite way of saying that they do not exist except IN your head. A physiological fact that is the sole source of that special nonphysical dissatisfaction experienced by the few, and a situation that fortunately also makes possible a certain mental realization about one’s own mental self that results in something altogether more spectacular than mere release from dissatisfaction. So extraordinary is this inner discovery that has been described in such terms as: "Awakening from sleep", and "Going from the dark into the light", and even as, "Liberation from captivity." Let us once again verbally and expediently explore this internal, ingenious, and wholly intangible, (nonexistent), world wherein alone DOES exist all that the few long for, and all that they will ever find. And that is the good news -- which for alert explorers is the same as bad news --- since -- ALL news to them is of equal importance.

(Meet me boys on de battlefront,

the wild tchoupitoulas gonna stomp some romp.)

As attempted alleviation, he decided to travel. At least he would get away from where he was now and then see what happened.

He read travel books, and quickly determined not to go to any destination already familiar to him since that would prima facie defeat his whole purpose.

He eventually found reference to a place about which no reliable, specific descriptions existed, and for no reason known to him he was instantly attracted thereto. And -- off he went! -- or I should say: Off he ATTEMPTED to went. For a trip to an inadequately mapped location is easier decided-on than it is acted-on.

For many years the man made what efforts seemed reasonable and possible to him to get the desired sojourn underway. But no matter the sincerity and intensity of his desire to go there, not having precise knowledge of the destination’s location rendered all of his efforts, frustrating. For quite a long while, no matter what he did, he could not be certain if it was moving him any nearer his goal or not.

During the years, he came upon other people who expressed the desire to go to the same destination, but most of them quickly abandoned any real effort toward that end, and went back to reading books about travel, and discussing same amongst themselves.

More than once did he himself conclude that the journey was impossible, and that he should give up --- no he didn’t, I just said that.

On he pressed -- alone. No more reading of travel books -- no more talking about it with others.

Doggedly, relentlessly, and sometimes, blindly -- on he pressed, (and, I might add, while having himself one hellava good time.)

Then one day out-of-a-clear-blue/green-sky he suddenly had a glimpse of the location! In fact the sight of the place, put him there -- although not quite in the normal physical sense. But he WAS there nonetheless.

It all happened so quickly and unexpectedly that the man was not sure what had brought him there. He could not determine whether it was anything that he himself had done, or whether it had just "happened?!?!"

To say that it was, "everything that he had hoped for, and imagined it would be" would sound good, but it would be inaccurate, in that the place he was in, (or vice versa), was outside the scope of anything his mind had ever thought about.

The trip lasted a bit less than two days, and then the man found himself more or less back where he had been before the surprising event.

This one experience, however, (as you might expect), rejuvenated the man, and he returned to his efforts with more determination than ever.

As the years passed the experience repeated itself numerous times, but always it was of finite duration, and thus from one perspective, the man continued to live most of his life still in his original homeland. And just along about here -- he ALMOST -- quite SUBTLY --- ALMOST started to coast --- but he didn’t.

……as it turned out -- the best was still ahead.

There was once a man who was dissatisfied with his homeland and decided to go some place new. Some place SO different that no one was quite sure where it was -- and no one could adequately describe it.

September 27, 2000. Wednesday morning; high up on a balcony in a condo on South Beach; café con leche in hand; looking out over Biscayne Bay -- what else is there to say. But be external conditions favorable or threatening -- what is there for a man high up internally to ever say about anything anyway?! An ordinary man’s mundane-led life of low simmering confusion, distraction and irritation is one of constant comment on conditions; overtly when there is another ear to hear, and to himself when there is not. Query yourself this: if a man’s comments about his environment are not concerned with altering them such that they will enhance his chances of survival, then what is their purpose? (I am trusting that by now you accept the fact that everything that occurs in the universe has a purpose.) On the collective level, men’s non survival related remarks are primarily for social bonding purposes, (an area of extensive significance to routine people, but of no specific interest to us here.) But does his constant audible and silent commentaries on conditions serve any other end? I direct your leisure-time attention to a mental resort area seldom frequented -- a place that answers, "Yes." to the question. The thoughts which so kindly and conveniently appear magically in men’s heads do, by their ceaseless running commentary regarding the conditions in which they find themselves, afford themselves a feeling of mass and materiality not literally justified. The more that Prince Charming says -- the greater is the ease with which he imagines he warrants the throne. I say that no one is who they, (that is, their words, that is, their thoughts), say that they are, and the principal method whereby this collectively shared mortal illusion survives is by thoughts’ relentless noise making, ("talk" to you civilians.) But, enough of this talk -- on with the news, what?! (And by the by; don’t any of you readers be misled and believe that there is anything of practical use contained in this Intro -- Heavens to clave, no! After all, it IS just a bunch of words, no?!)

Some he thought he recognized, while others seemed as strangers.

The presence of some he accepted, (even though he had not invited them), but others he wished would go away.

His observations revealed that others lived with similar conditions, but did not find them notably bothersome. In fact it became obvious that his neighbors accepted the situation as the norm.

But after some years of frustrating attempts, one day something extraordinary suddenly happened, Everything he had dreamed of became reality. All he had wished for came true. The situation regarding the uninvited, annoying house guests, ceased to be. Wheeee! All of his many, apparently impotent efforts -- paid off. It was all suddenly -- worth it! And in addition to the palpable experience itself, he also instantly understood the purpose of the situation.

After that his life -- and especially his VIEW of life -- was never the same. Although he would have days in which his original irritation regarding the trespassers would return. (I did not mention the fact that they did not leave, did I? Well, no matter. If a dog is no longer bothered by his fleas, why then would he bother himself over the matter of a flea collar?!)

The man did something unexpected. Even after achieving a state of indifferent tolerance to the condition under discussion, he undertook to understand its detailed nature, and everything connected to it.

Well, I‘m ready to hit the pool, but may I suggest that before you do anything else you get a café cargado, and re-read the above. ( We’ll hook up later at the tito puente tribute.)

Jan

One man was a good tap dancer.

He became curious and decided to figure out how his feet performed their impressive feat.

he undertook a study of how his feet did what they did --- with one result:

his feet lost their agility.

…..(and someone says: "Hey, is there s’posed to be some kinda secret message in that?", to which I reply:

Okay boys, gimmie a mid tempo, four-four shuffle. Here we go: a-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four….)

September 28, 2000. Hollywood, California; the city that calls itself, "The home of dreams and illusions", a title that one man says was stolen from him. He says that for years that is what he has called his own head. I believe this is the same chap who compared the depth and substantiality of thought to that of theatrical flats, and that of humanity’s collective mental activity to a Potemkin Village. Indeed, the best efforts of the most dogged of press agents on behalf of their client pales in comparison to the relentless, 24/7 self-promotion of human thought. Thought, in fact, is the universe’s only known quantity that exists solely by virtue of self-promotion. And Muscle Beach being so near by reminds us of the fact that thought is also unique in that it can "bulk up" without having to exert any effort. In defiance of normal physical law thought can experience, "Gain with NO pain." Merely by the unending, automatic and effortless expression of itself in word, both overtly and silently to itself, thought has not only established the worldwide illusion of its substantiality and gravitas, but through constant self-promotion combined with incessant criticism of other men’s thoughts, daily adds intangible bulk to its already incorporeal presence. "Only in Hollywood could such a thing happen," someone says, to which I respond: "No cigar." Only in the cortical area of the human BRAIN can such an invented fantasy be staged everywhere in the world at the same time, around the clock, and the production never come to a stop. The way in which thought, (never losing its grip for a moment on the old bootstraps), has ipse dixitedly proclaimed -- and accepted -- its material reality is what makes it the super star it is today. It is also this same unrecognized set of internal circumstances that fuel a few mortal actors’ desire to abandon the dizzying and undirected role into which their thoughts appear to have been born. "Hey, just what DO you have to do to be assured of never working in this town again?!" allegorically asks the mystical thespian. How many times do I have to answer this? – look over the shoulder of your thoughts’ roles. Okay, enough tinseltown getdown -- here come de gnus.

One man’s eyes were closed and he could not see --

-- but he did not know it.

How could that be?

A movie of life was continually shown on the inside of his eyelids,

and this he took to be life.

"All right nurse, send in the next patient."

But "How?" you ask, "Could anyone after hearing that still think of

their self as a patient?!"

"Ah, it’s all in the hands, my boy."

Don’t you mean, "in the thoughts"?!

"Why – Yes! -- certainly that’s what I mean!"

"Being asleep" is criticism;

all criticism is sleep;

all criticism is sleep, confusion, ignorance and displays a complete lack of understanding.

There is one exercise in which everyone participates;

"The bulking up of thought."

And in this pursuit there is a method whereby you can have,

"Gain without pain,"

and that is by simply having critical thoughts about other people’s thoughts.

Employing this technique, absolutely no effort is required on your part to feel the sensation of your thoughts magically, "Bulking up."

It all comes completely effortlessly -- courtesy of your thoughts attacking someone else’s.

And the supreme beauty of this approach is that you never have to bother with even trying to come up with any thoughts of your own to "Bulk up" --

-- all you have to do is criticize the thoughts that are already out there.

"Hey, get my agent on the phone -- the studio’s playin’ funny with the money, and shavin’ my points."

Forget about Hollywood, Hershey, or Black Lung, West Virginia -- the epitome of a "company town" is located in your frontal lobes.

A son asked his father; "What is the funniest thing you have ever heard?"

"What is so funny about that?" the boy asked,

A man is not fully trying to get-to-the-bottom-of-things if he is not continually asking himself: "What possible beneficial purpose is being served by this-or-that reoccurring, automatic thinking that at first blush appears impertinent?"

Fact: A man will never gain full sight while accepting his present view of blindness as definitive.

Put Simply: You will never, "wake up" with your current understanding of what it is to, "be asleep."

A woman gushed to a man who many believed to be awake and enlightened; "The depth of your understanding must surely be quite astounding!" and he replied with a chuckle: "Oh no -- thankfully I’m all over that."

An ordinary mind’s intention in saying or writing whatever it did is of no relevance regarding what a special explorer might derive therefrom.

A father told a son: "You can either take the view that ordinary men’s thoughts are so disjointed, derivative, one-sided, automatic & impersonal as to cause them to mentally live in a distorted world of dreams, or else look through my more accurate & poetic view that looks like this:

Once everyone knew the truth about life.

Most have pretended not to for so long that they themselves now mostly believe that they don’t.

There are a small number however, who actively struggle to wipe off their mind, and regain their previous mental clarity."

The lowest form of thought is criticism -- also the most efficient.

In a bar a guy was heard asking a girl: "How much do you like me?" and she said: "Just as much as you think I do."

And a man standing by the jukebox mused: " Curious – that’s the same as my relationship to -- ‘wanting-to-wake-up.’"

Many have said that to, "Live the proper life" you must live by this-or-that teaching or idea, (live by the Tao, the Koran, the Bible, etc).

But I say that to live the life proper for you, you must live by NO teaching or idea, but rather just -- live as yourself.

….(once you get sufficiently out from under thoughts enough to uncover yourself again.)

And finally today’s: Super Duper, Supreme-A-Doodle, Big-Time, Wrap-Up, Definition Of What It Is To, "Be Asleep":

I am leaving now for Death Valley to find out if any southern part of The Golden State is true to its name. (After years of dealing with the self-labeled creature, "man", you tend to get a mite skeptical vis a vis all unproven braggadocio slogans. [It is rumored however that you will receive the fullest possible benefits of The Valley’s power if you do not carry a mirror with you. A hopeful bruit, (not to be confused with a personal manager.)])

A boy said to his father: "Say look -- if the sign of a truly enlightened man is the fact that he understands nothing, then what’s to stop any ordinary schmo from claiming that he doesn’t understand anything, and pass for being enlightened?!" and his old man just stared at him in disbelief………..like he was from another world or something.

The problem of heredity garbage can be a tricky proposition --

-- ‘specially when de situation involves only youse.

‘Tis said that past a certain age, the best birth control is nudity,

and I say that the best cure for passionate intercourse with your own thoughts is seeing them head-on, full monty.

PUBLIC NOTICE; 9/28/00; 4:02 p.m. EST. In the weeks I have been writing this daily feature something quite surprising has occurred. The mail I receive has revealed that a number of readers believe that some of the stories I report are autobiographical – an idea I find astonishing.

I assure you that I do nothing but report the news -- I do not make the news. (Of course obviously I do make UP the news, but…………………..after all………………….……)

And even when I use the pronoun "I" in my reports I do so only for the sake of rhetorical expediency.

I trust that this public statement will settle the matter conclusively.

A son asked his father: "What does all that fancy stuff you write about ‘waking up’ really mean?" and his father replied: "Nothing -- compared to reality it means nothing."

……….(as he reflected on it later, the lad was not so sure that that particular matter had been settled.)

Fact: A man with any idea about anything is still asleep and just doesn’t know it.

But no matter which course in self-discipline he followed, success always eluded him.

He finally discovered the secret.

Well, one more thing regarding the surprising number of people who have expressed their belief that much of what I report on is autobiographical, (which I deny), and based on the, never-goes-away-in-the-ordinary-world fact that what ordinary men believe about others always has its roots in them, I gotta ask this, (as frightening as the prospect be):

does this mean that some of you actually LEAD the life that you THINK you do?!

Okay, and this: it is rumored that the dog who began to just sit and look at the passing cars eventually saw them as actually -- reflections of himself.

Some say that even on his death bed coltrane would still glance back over his shoulder toward the piano, and say: "Where did monk go?!"

A man who is dying and does not talk about it is not completely asleep.

A man who is dying and does not even talk about it to himself is not really dying.

And schumann said: "If I could just make this diminished thirteenth chord fit with the augmented minor ninth, all would not be lost." and mondrian mused: "I guess I could try to make the circles go with the squares." and just then thelonious popped up from behind the steinway and said: "Did someone call for a grease gun?"

Oh ho ho, yes,

I’m the great pretender,

Uu uu uu uu uu,

Pretending my thoughts are my thoughts,

Uu uu uu uu uu………………………………….

Or for later generation music lovers:

See, the actual tune goes like this: 0pposites ain’t GOT NO shoulders what to look back over.

….lessen ah course you gonna count nonexistent ones……………...like everybody else does.

Who’s starting to catch on? --

-- there is nothing back there.